Glitters but Not Gold

Just an open diary entry (before I’m officially back)

“All that glitters is not gold” kinda sounds like my life right now. Eeee that started off deep but it uniquely sums up the mental space I'm in. For those who are new here, it’s never normally like this at all. I planned to come back with an encouraging, inspiring blog post, that will spur you guys with a greater motivation to go out into the world and change it. 

But I think as part of this public growth, I owe it to myself more than anyone to be open about the harder times. Life’s multifaceted nature means that in some areas you could be absolutely thriving and in others, not doing as well. 

Ostensibly successful 

At plain view, my summer was great, full of impact and experiences. The majority of my summer was spent interning at one of the biggest Investment banks in the world, living the dream of 6am starts in Canary Wharf. Honestly, I enjoyed my time spent there, learnt so much and met some amazing people there. Also, I completed my second triathlon and perhaps ticked off one of my biggest goals for the year: THE PROJECT 2% CONFERENCE. What started off as an idea I had in bed, turned into an event that sold out in under 3 days backed by Sky, HSBC, Credit Suisse and Amazon. The team and I really did that, putting on a conference that impacted hundreds of young people. Considering some of the awards to be announced, it was ostensibly a great summer. 

The Ugly 

Why ostensibly a great summer? Because I began to see my ugly. As much as out in the world it appeared as though I was winning, I was made to realise even further my fallen nature that this gospel of grace continues to save me from. Situations proved my depravity, hurting people close to me in ways that I never imagined. For the first time in a while, over the summer I was actually tapped out for a few days. A forced introspection that not only reiterated my need for grace, but also consider my ‘toxic’ character traits. Honestly, I was shaken but with retrospection, I’m thankful for how things played out and how they did. 

Relationships- Tryna do better

Summer had a huge effect on relationships, an area I’m not really good at. To be frank, I’m rubbish with maintaining relationships and even more importantly, forming deep ones. I’ve spent a lot of my life cultivating lots of shallow relationships, that are good for surface-level interaction but crumble at the weight of intensity. In my attempts to change the world, I’ve almost neglected the most important people in my life and haven’t been as present as I’d like to be. Feels like a lot is happening, a lot of people to direct love towards. As much as I pray for greater capacity, I do believe over this next period I need to narrow efforts more locally to really experience those around me in their fullness. 

Busyness hype 

I’m caught in this rut that has almost every hour of my day allocated. My mind moving at 120mph and although it means I’m getting a lot done, it’s ushered in a nonchalence/ stoicity that I’m trying to shake off. I don’t feel much which means that my mood never really fluctuates, never really overly happy or overly sad, just always “fine.” It’s crazy but a big prayer of mine has been to feel more, although I don’t want to become a complete empath this ”bovness” does affect how I relate with people. For someone who hasn’t cried in years, although I don’t want to I do think some exposure to more emotion would be good.  

What do I enjoy?

I’ve missed the joys of doing something for fun. I’m going to make an effort to get back into something for fun (although I don’t know where the time is.) Maybe back into football or restart drum lessons, who knows?

‘Don’t forget to breathe’

Sounds weird, but for the rest of the year I’m just trying to breathe. Just have time for myself. It’s taken me weeks to put this out, I imagined it being a lot “deeper” and more profound but this is all I could pen right now. The point of this blog was to pour out, which I guess isn’t just the motivational lessons for success but also the realities of living a life of impact. Hopefully. It’s some encouragement for someone experiencing something similar that they’re not alone. Life’s not just one-sided, don’t let the success of one aspect cause you to neglect the care required for the others. 

Take this as my unofficial return to the stage. I’m undecided on what my posting routine looks like but I’m excited because this sabbatical has taught me loads. 

NYA