Who I am, Not what I do….

Beginning to derive your value from who you are, rather than what you do.

I've been contemplating on writing on this topic for a while. Not that I didn't have anything to say, but the deep ingrained realities of the opposite. The answer to the question within this topic existed to be my sole drive for all I ever did . What I had regarded as my main source of motivation, perhaps proved to be the very bane of my existence. 

Particularly in the last year, the question of who I am, with my default response being a shoddy 1-liner of the things I do “I run a mentoring program” or “I’ve spoken at …”, has kept coming up. 

 The automatic reflex for queries on who I am were responses to what I do.

When I came to university, someone asked me ‘Who is Nana?’ A question I had been asked so many times in that period, repeatedly giving the same response highlighting some of the things I do. What made this interaction unique was the further prompt the person gave. Almost dismissing my initial answer, they said “I asked you who you are, not what you do.” Honestly, I was lost. Not an existential identity crisis of some sort, but a perplexed pondering as to how to answer this question. For so long I had seen myself through the things I have done/ achieved and now I was finally starting to see the issue of that ideology. 

Exploring this requires some honesty…

For so long I didn't rest. For so long I didn't take breaks. For so long I didn't have fun. The logical consequences of valuing myself on what I did meant I denied myself of these things. What was severe about my ‘condition’ was that I didn't even know what ‘enough' was. I just did it and that was me. But the idea of valuing myself solely based on what I did is so poisonous. It lowered my confidence in periods where I hadn't ‘achieved’. It boxed me into a place of doing for the sake of self-validation and social status. There were honestly areas that I just didn’t involve God in because those areas defined me, and my level of faith made me hold onto them so tightly. It’s only when key things I regarded as pillars to who I was went wrong, that I really began to dig into where I got my value as a person from. I remember during my gap year being at a friend's birthday and speaking to someone I hadn't seen in years, then they asked maybe the most awkward question a person can hear on an unplanned gap year “What uni are you at?” After giving my typical gap year response the person said “I swear you’re the guy that got all 8s and 9s in his GCSEs and you’re not at uni?.” Although I felt a way, I ended up laughing it off but really thought about it for a long while after that reaction. I don’t believe the person meant it maliciously, not at all, perhaps the persona that had been built up for myself based on my grades caused a genuine shock. Not that education was my only gift, but it was certainly one that I was known for and being in a position where I'm not in the expected place in that area raised questions of my identity. 

As a believer, I find a peace knowing that I simply am what he made me (you’re probably thinking it’s a cop out answer lool but its true.) All my gifts, flaws, talents, and limitations were specially crafted. The thought that we’re ‘creation’, beautifully captured in Psalm 139:13-16, stops me from residing in my works as a source of value. What's interesting is in scripture we see a gap in the account of the life of Jesus, from around the age of 12 to 30. Did he stop being the son of God at that time because we don’t see him do anything? What’s really profound is that out of that understanding of self and assurance in who he was, he did and acted accordingly.  So this is now where I derive my motivation and drive, out of an understanding of who I am. It’s a difficult switch in mentality, one that requires me to almost lay down all my previous impulses and begin to work out of who I've been made to be rather than what I currently/previously have done. Often I see people be reluctant to step into new domains because they still see themselves through what they currently do, forgetting that they’re still them away from this particular thing. 

Thought: If what you did was taken away from you, would you still be who you are? I remember a couple years back seeing a story of a young footballer who ended up taking his life after getting injured and being released from his club, as he didn’t see life beyond this. A part of me broke when I read this, seeing the extent to which how dangerous seeing yourself through what you do can go. 

This blog post in particular almost acts as a letter to myself, one that I can come back to and refine if necessary. Amid such high-performance living, I imagine there may be points where I relapse back into the old thought patterns and outlooks but for me to really grasp the kind of life God prepared for me to live, I must put to death seeing myself through what I do. 

Our value isn't based on what we do, but who made us (Psalm 139:13-16.)

You are not your possessions, achievements, or job. 

Thanks for reading guys, if you found the piece beneficial share it with someone. You never know who may need to read this.

Like and comment your thoughts,

Nana.Y.A